Here come a lot of Steven Wright quotes...
"I was driving on the highway and saw a sign that said `Next Rest Stop 25 Miles,' and I thought to myself `Wow that's big.'"
I was walking down the street the other day and I saw a man who had wooden legs and real feet.
The other day I bought powdered water......but I don't know what to add.
Why is the alphabet in that order......is it cause of that song.....man who wrote that song wrote everything
What is the speed of dark?
I stayed at a hotel where the pool was on the 23rd floor. I couldn't believe how deep it was.
I saw a woman wearing a full-length fur coat. I asked her what animal it was and she said racoon. I said, my god, he must have been huge.
I was walking down the street with my old prescription glasses when the prescription ran out.
I put spot remover on my dog....now he's gone.
If you were travelling at the speed of light, and you turned your headlights on, would anything happen?
Sponges grow in the ocean... That kills me. Did you ever wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
"I wish the first word I ever said was 'quote' so right before I died I could say 'unquote"
"I have a collection of seashells scattered all over the beaches of the world. Perhaps you've seen it."
I lost a button hole . . .
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery
I couldn't fix your brakes so i made your horn louder
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
"I bought a decaffeinated coffee-table the other day - you can't even tell by lookin' at it...."
You don't know what you've got until its gone. I wanted to know what I had - so I got rid of everything.
I stayed in this really old hotel, they sent me a wake up letter.
I havent called my mom in 4 months because I have no 5's on my phone, when she asked why I didn't come visit her in person I explained that I had not Tuesdays on my calendar.
There are 24-hours in a day - 24 beers in a case -coincidence?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
"There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot."
"My school colors were clear. I told everybody I'm not naked, I'm in the band."
"When I was a kid I had a QUICKsand box. I was an only child.....eventually."
"I went to the store the other day. The sign in the window read 'OPEN 24 HRS', but as I approached I found an employee locking the door. I thought you were open 24 hrs, I asked. Yeah, he replied, but not in a row."
"I love my new apartment. They allow pets. I have a camel."
When everything is coming your way... you're in the wrong lane.
The sign in the restaurant window said "breakfast anytime", so I ordered french toast during the renaissance.
I bought some land the other day, real cheap. It was on somebody elses property.
I live at the bottom of a one-way, dead-end street. I have no idea how I got there.
In Europe is Miles Davis known as Kilometer Davis?
I am getting an MRI to find out if I have claustrophobia.
I was driving down the road and I saw this hitchiker holding a sign that said "Heaven"...so I hit him. I pretty sure he went there, he looked nice
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I can levitate birds. No one cares.
What's another word for thesaurus?
The other day I was........no, that wasn't me.
So if I melt dry ice and throw it on you, will you get wet?
I'm experiencing deja-vu and amnesia at the same time
When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked me.."did you sleep well" ...I said "I made a few mistakes"
" I hear now they have 24-hour banking...I don't have that kind of time."
"I work for a company that makes fire hydrants .... the only problem is, I can't park anywhere near the building"
"I was in the mall the other day and the power went out ... 30 people got stuck on the escalator"
I'm studying calcium anthropology. It's the study of milk-men.
I was walking down the street and a man stopped me and asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now".
"When I was younger my Grandmother gave me $5 one day and she said - Don't tell your Mother I'm giving you that - and I said, it's gonna cost you more than that"
I bought some odorless perfume; it came in a little empty bottle.
The other day my brain was itchy, and the only way to scratch it, was to think about sandpaper.
Can't have everything - where would you put it?
A friend sent me a postcard. On the front was a picture of the planet Earth. On the back he wrote "wish you were here."
"I went into a department store the other day, and a man asked, "can I help you?" I said, "umm yes, do you have anything I would like?" He said, "how do I know what you'd like?" I said, "You started this."
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.
Some people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths
About 4 years ago I was walking down the street......wait, it was yesterday....
The other day I saw a lady with a beautiful fur coat so I walked up to her and asked her, "What kind of animal was that made from?"
She said, "Raccoon."
I said, "My god, he must have been huge."
I was looking out of my apartment window last Halloween and I saw a cop walking down the street......At least I think he was a cop. He could have just been a guy dressed up like a cop....which is all cops really are anyway...
I bought some used paint, it came in the shape of a house.
For my birthday i got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them battle it out.
"The other day I put some instant coffe in the microwave and then drank it... almost went back in time."
"i've been getting into astronomy, so I Installed
a skylight. The people who live above me are
furious."
"No matter the temperature of the room, it's always 'room temperature'"
I was walking thru the woods and a tree fell right in front of me and i didnt hear it.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all of his friends went to the funeral in one car.
"When it rains, I run around and post WET PAINT signs on everything"
the new testament is really old. maybe it should be called the most recent testament.
I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one
"In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said "Cut it out".
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while, I was a suspect.
the first time i read the dictionary i thought it was a poem about everything
I am so lazy I married a pregnant woman.
I watched schindlers list backwards so there was a happy ending.
I took a lie detector test...no I didn't.
"Everyone thinks my friend George is weird because he has sideburns behind his ears....I think he is wierd because he has false teeth, but he has braces on them."
"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates."
"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."
"Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back."
"Half the people you know are below average."
"99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name."
"42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot."
"A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."
"All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand."
"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
"OK, so what's the speed of dark?"
"How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?"
"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm."
"When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."
"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy."
"Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now."
"I intend to live forever - so far, so good."
"If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?"
"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."
"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"
"Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?"
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
"A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking."
"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."
"The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread."
"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research."
"The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard."
"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up."
"The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it."
"Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film."