Author Topic: Mid-Life Crustacean  (Read 2252 times)

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Banshee 1919

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Mid-Life Crustacean
« on: August 25, 2007, 10:20:02 am »
This is my reworking of Mid-Life Crustacean, 80s punk/post punk style:

Cast

Marlon Brandon as Mr. Eugene Krabs
Winona Ryder as Pearl Krabs
Siouxsie Sioux as Sandy Cheeks
Daniel Ash as Spongebob Squarepants
Kevin Haskins as Patrick Star
Peter Murphy as Squidward Tentacles
Steve Severin as Helper
Budgie as the impatient fish and radio jockey
Peter Fenton as the cool fish
Robert Smith of the Cure as Bette "Mama" Krabs

Mr. Krabs is arising from his sleep in his hammock after a really bad day with Squidward in the office. He has this radio there that ends up playing heavy metal, post-punk and punk.
DJ: Now we're playing Iron Maiden.
Mr. Krabs is gravely annoyed and distracted by the music and heads straight to the bathroom. He looks into the mirror and unbuttons his shirtdress to reveal sagging chests.
He goes down to the kitchen, overlooking his daughter Pearl who made him breakfast...out of outmeal.
Pearl: Do you like it Dad. I made it for all of us, it's made from oatmeal!
Mr. Krabs: That was very nice of you. I love you (eats all of the oatmeal stuff there)
Pearl: Here comes the pill. (Opens her dad's mouth and drops the pill into his esophagus)
Mr. Krabs: Say Pearl, do you think I'm awesome.
Pearl: Heck no, in my school and with my friends, we don't say "awesome" we say "frat" and "kill." Awesome is jejune and passe, along with cool and hot.
Mr. Krabs: How could you say that Pearl?!
Pearl: But we say kill as in it looks great, funny, beautiful and fun. I'm not saying I'm going to assault you or something violent. That's not what kill means anymore, you get the picture Dad.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, that's awesome.
Pearl: But we don't say awesome! You're murdering me! (Calls her friend) Janys, my dad is killing me every last second of my adolescent life!
Mr. Krabs: Pearl, you don't understand.
Pearl: I have my own life old man!!

Mr. Krabs is out walking in the streets, until he is helped by a benevolent young man. He is annoyed.
Mr Krabs: Why don't you get out!
Helper: But I was helpun you.
Mr. Krabs: Darn ye to de'th.
Helper: Don't desert me here! (Mr. Krabs's arm detaches) Here's your arm.
Mr. Krabs: Oh why thanks. (Heads accidentally to what appears to be a funeral) Wait, what the heck I'm there?
Old man: Get in the (censored f word) line, brat!
Mr. Krabs: Who ye callin a br't!
It turn out they just went there to listen to a live orchestra.