Sonic’s teacher, a bored-looking Ben Stein type guy, was teaching the class basic geography. Everyone looked stupefied, especially Sonic. He was doodling all over the back of Knuckles’ dreadlocks.
“New York shares a border with Pennsylvania, the United States shares a border with Canada-“
Sonic suddenly jumped up, the black marker flying. “That is not true! Florida is part of the United States, and it doesn’t share a border with Canada! Oh! BURN!” He lifted his elbow as high as it would go, grabbed it with his other hand, and spat. The other students applauded.
“What I meant by that,” the teacher growled, “was that part of the count-“
“Don’t give me that!” Sonic leaped onto his desk and began a rousing speech. “Mr. Johnson, when I came to this school, my observational skills were at zero. I needed to raise them, so I came here. But in your attempt to raise them you honed them so finely that I was able to detect… your conspiracy!” Girls swooned. Guys cheered. Knuckles tried to wash his dreadlocks.
“Young man, cease your raving immediately!” ordered Mr. Johnson.
“Oh?” sneered Sonic. “Where do you come from, Mister?”
“That’s Mr. Johnson to you, and I come from Vancouver.”
“AHA!” Sonic roared, lifting his arm into the air. “You communist Canadian! You’re just trying to confuse the youngest generation, so that once we run the country we’ll be unprepared for your attack on our country! But I saw through it!” Girls blew kisses. Guys slapped his hands. Knuckles began to cut his dreadlocks.
Sonic fell to his knees on the desk and spoke in a deep, throaty, guttural voice. “When my children were blinded and did not know the way… I provided the light!” Everyone cheered, except for Knuckles, who was using pruning shears. “When my children were deafened by the noise, I sang a hymn of guidance! When my children could not speak for fear of persecution… I SPOKE THEIR WORDS!” Sonic bowed his head and wept. “And when my children had no more tears to cry, and could not bear the tasks before them… I took their burdens.”
Mr. Johnson was speechless. Sonic picked up a pimp, which turned into a guitar, and began to play.
“Most of the United States shares / no border with Canada! We’re the promise of the future / yet you feed us LIES from the tablecloth! Lalalalalalalala!” Sonic sang. There was no doubt about it, he was singing BYOB by System of a Down. Yes, [the author] am probably obsessed with that song.
“Everybody’s going to the schoolhouse have a real good time!” Sonic sang. “Learning borders wrong will lead to doom, all in good time!”
The flashback ended. Knuckles looked angry. Sonic looked proud. Tails looked confused. And Shadow looked furious.
“You conspiracy-theorizing IDIOT!” he exploded. “How could you possibly think that?”
“I was young,” Sonic sniffed. “Plus I never paid attention in class, I just drew on people’s heads.” Knuckles began to bash his fists together.
