Topic: Favorite Simpsons Quotes

[Patback]

This is the place to post your favorite quotes from the Simpsons. I know it's really specific, but with 18 seasons (and counting!) this should stay alive for a while.

Mine:

"Happy Birthday, Mr. Smithers." ~ Burns in Smithers' fantasy
"What'd you do dad, screw up like the Beatles and say you were bigger than Jesus?" "Are you kidding? That was the title of our second album." ~ Bart and Homer, about Homer's Barbershop Quartet, the B-Sharps
"(on payphone outside the Dean's office) Hello Dean. You're a stupidhead." "Homer is that you?" "AAAAH!!" ~ Homer prank-calling the Dean of Springfield University
"Hello, my name is Barney Gumble, and I'm an alcoholic." "Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl Scout meeting." "Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit when you have a problem?" ~ Barney and Lisa, in Barney's film, "Pukahontas"
"I was saying Boo-urns." ~ Hans Moleman, when Burns asks Smithers if the crowd is booing his film.
"Now march!" ~ The Very Tall Man, when he makes Nelson march with his pants pulled down, in front of a huge crowd.
"Eww! Blood!" ~ Dr. Nick Riveria, when looking at an instructional medical video
"You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try." ~ Homer
"Have the Rolling Stones killed." ~ Burns, when the Ramones insult him while singing
"I could be one of the before guys! Oooh, it hurts." "I don't think so." "How about one of the after guys? Oo! Look at me! I can ride a bike again!" ~ Krusty, after he finds out that an infomercial is going to air in place of his cancelled show
"Have you ever seen the sun set, at 3pm?" "Yar! Once, when I was sailing round the arctic circle..." "Shut up you!" ~ Burns and the Sea Captain
"Attempted murder, now honestly what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?" ~ Sideshow Bob
"Oh my god! The dead have risen and they're voting Republican!" ~ Bart, when Lisa discoers Sideshow Bob's election fraud scheme
"Dad, you must drive a stake into his heart." "OK." *nails stake, and nothing happens* "Dad, that's his crotch." ~ Lisa and Homer, when they kill he vampire Burns
"Colonel Klink, did you get my letters?" ~ Homer, consulting the spirit of Colonel Klink

and many more ...

[ssj4gogita4]

eat my shorts
doh

[Ealcon]

Where Moe is turning his pub into a restaraunt:
Moe:"Nah, we need to come up with a name that'll help people relax."
Homer:"I know!How about: 'Madman Moe's Pressure Cooker'!"
Barney, under tablecloth:"Oi like it!"
Moe:"No!Oh, wait, I got it!'Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag'!"
Barney, under tablecloth:"Oi hate it!"

In the same episode:
Moe:"You could flash-fry a bull in 40 seconds!"
Homer:"Aww, but I want it done now!"

[Chrono]

"Hello, my name is Barney Gumble, and I'm an alcoholic." "Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl Scout meeting." "Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit when you have a problem?" ~ Barney and Lisa, in Barney's film, "Pukahontas"
"I was saying Boo-urns." ~ Hans Moleman, when Burns asks Smithers if the crowd is booing his film.

Those two are hilarious. XD

I like "Missionary? But I don't even believe in Jebus!" *gets stuck on the island* "Help me Jebus!!!"

[Ealcon]

I like "Missionary? But I don't even believe in Jebus!" *gets stuck on the island* "Help me Jebus!!!"

I like that one too!On The Simpsons Hit & Run, when Homer drives into the lake he says:
"Save me Duffman!"
"Save me Jebus!"


"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

[Sb129]

"I say 'Menace' sucked more!" " I say 'Clones' sucked more!"- Carl & Lenny

[VulturEMaN]

Tastes like Grandma...I want MORE!!!!!

[IceFox]

Not my favorite but from the Hit & Run Game:

"It's a sad day for generic charecters everywhere" (The NPCs that are just there say that when you hit them with the car or beat them or driving recklessly)

"I am Evil Homer!"

[Band8PGeek]

Bart: No offense, Homer, but your half-assed underparenting was a lot more fun than your half-assed overparenting.
Homer: But I'm using my whole ass.
(Grandpa vs. Sexual Inadequacy)

Grampa: Welcome home, son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. [Marge appears irritated] What's wrong with your wife?
Homer: Never mind, you wouldn't understand.
Grampa: Flu?
Homer: No.
Grampa: Protein deficiency?
Homer: No.
Grampa: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis?
Homer: No.
Grampa: Unsatisfying sex life?
Homer: N--yes! But please, don't you say that word!
Grampa: What, se-e-e-e-x? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had se-e-e-x!
(Grandpa vs. Sexual Inadequacy)

(at the fictitious Five Corners)
Lisa: Haven't we stood in five different states long enough?
Homer: (promptly) No.
(Itchy and Scratchy Land)

[Patback]

Bart: No offense, Homer, but your half-assed underparenting was a lot more fun than your half-assed overparenting.
Homer: But I'm using my whole ass.
(Grandpa vs. Sexual Inadequacy)

Grampa: Welcome home, son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. [Marge appears irritated] What's wrong with your wife?
Homer: Never mind, you wouldn't understand.
Grampa: Flu?
Homer: No.
Grampa: Protein deficiency?
Homer: No.
Grampa: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis?
Homer: No.
Grampa: Unsatisfying sex life?
Homer: N--yes! But please, don't you say that word!
Grampa: What, se-e-e-e-x? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had se-e-e-x!
(Grandpa vs. Sexual Inadequacy)

(at the fictitious Five Corners)
Lisa: Haven't we stood in five different states long enough?
Homer: (promptly) No.
(Itchy and Scratchy Land)

Great episodes.

"I'm a political prisoner" "How are you a political prisoner?!" "I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw a diagram?"
~ Homer and Marge, from Itchy and Sratchy Land

"Maybe it's the beer talking, but yours it a butt that won't quit. (gibberish) Five dollars? Get outta here." ~ From Bart The Lover, when Bart and Marge are looking at an old postcard from a drunk Homer.

"Krusty, shouldn't you be doing a show?" "Don't worry. They'll just air some rerun." (from TV) "Attention! The Faulkland Islands have just been invaded!" (Krusty groans) ~ From Burn's Heir

Not really a quote, but I like when Homer buys Lisa a pony, and they do a short parody of the Godfather, having Lisa wake up next to the horse's head.

[Band8PGeek]

Smithers: I've got to find a replacement that won't outshine me. Perhaps if I search the employee evaluations for the word (types) "Incompetent".
Computer reports: 714 matches found
Smithers: 714 names? Better be more specific. (keeps typing) "Lazy", "clumsy", "dim-witted", "monstrously ugly".
Computer searches, then reports: 714 matches found
Smithers: Oh, nuts to this, I'll just go get Homer Simpson.
(Homer the Smithers)

Billy Corgan: Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.
Homer: Homer Simpson, smiling politely.
(Homerpalooza)

Homer: So, I realized that being with my family is more important than being cool.
Bart: (unimpressed) Dad, what you just said was powerfully uncool.
Homer: You know what the song says: "It's hip to be square".
Lisa: That song is so lame.
Homer: So lame that it's... cool?
Bart and Lisa: (dismissive) No.
Marge: Am I cool, kids?
Bart and Lisa: (dismissive) No.
Marge: Good. I'm glad. And that's what makes me cool, not caring, right?
Bart and Lisa: (dismissive) No.
Marge: (frustrated) Well, how the hell do you be cool? I feel like we've tried everything here.
Homer: Wait, Marge. Maybe if you're truly cool, you don't need to be told you're cool.
Bart: (puzzled, uncertain) Well, sure you do.
Lisa: (bewildered) How else would you know?
(Homerpalooza)

Abe Simpson: I used to be with it, but then they changed what "it" was. Now what I'm with isn't it, and what's it seems weird and scary to me. It'll happen to you!
(Homerpalooza)

Homer (as a hobo): [sings, plays harmonica]
Mama took those batteries
she took them away
Mama took those batteries
Size Double A
(Treehouse of Horror IX, The Terror of Tiny Toon)

[bub1028]

Not sure if I have it straight on...

Bart: You're gay.
Weird Kid: What does "gay" mean?
Bart: Err... it means that you once were afraid of something, but now you're not.
Weird Kid: Really?  HEY DADDY!  GUESS WHAT!  I'M GAY!  MRS. SIMPSON MADE ME GAY!

[Band8PGeek]

[I frequent this area. XD

This one is from Hurricane Neddy, which I think is one of Ned Flander's most famous episodes...]

Ned: Calm down, Neddly diddily-diddily-diddily, doodily. They did their best shodaiddily-iddily-iddily-diddily-diddily. Gotta be nice, hostidididildilidilly ... ah hell diddily-ding-dong crap! Can't you morons do anything right?!
(everyone gasps)
Marge: Ned! We meant well and everyone here tried their best!
Ned: Well, my family can't live on good intentions, Marge! Oh, your family is out of control, but we can't blame you because you've got good intentions!
Bart: Hey, back off, man!
Ned: Oh, OK du-u-u-de! I wouldn't want you to have a cow, ma-a-a-n! Here's a catchphrase you better learn for your adult years – 'Hey buddy, got a quarter'?!
(everyone gasps)
Bart: I am shocked and appalled!
Lisa: Mr. Flanders, with all due respect, Bart didn't do anything.
Ned: Do I hear the sound of butting in? It's gotta be little Lisa Simpson! Springfield's answer to a question no one asked!
(Chief Wiggum laughs)
Ned: What do we have here? The long, flabby arm of the law! The last case you got to the bottom of was a case of Mallomars!!
Krusty the Clown: (laughs, writes) Mallomars! Oh, that's going in the act!
Ned: Oh, yeah! The clown! The only one of you buffoons who doesn't make me laugh! (turns to Lenny) And as for you, I don't know you, but I'm sure you're a jerk!
Lenny: Hey, I've only been here a few minutes! What's going on?
Ned: (to Moe) You ugly, hate-filled man!
Moe: (defensively) Hey, hey! I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I ... um, what was the third thing you said?
(Ned turns to Homer, everyone else having held their breath)
Ned: (to Milhouse) What are you looking at, four eyes?
Milhouse: But...But you have glasses too!
(Ned turns to Homer, everyone else having held their breath)
Ned: Homer... you are the worst human being I have ever met.
Homer: (relieved) Hey, I got off pretty easy.

XD XD XD

[VulturEMaN]

rofl ahahahaha...i've never seen that episode....

[Band8PGeek]

Marge: Maybe a part-time job is the answer!
Bart: Oh, mom, I couldn't ask you to do that. You're already taking care of Maggie and Lisa is such a handful...
Lisa: She means you should get a job, stupid!
Bart: Me?
Daniel Stern: (narrating) Get a job? Were they serious?
Turn! Turn! Turn! by The Byrds begins to play as Bart stares into space.
Daniel Stern: (narrating) I didn't know it at the time, but a little piece of my childhood had slipped away...forever.
Homer: Bart! What are you staring at?
Bart: Nothing!
Daniel Stern: (narrating) He didn't say it and neither did I, but at that moment, my dad and I were closer than...
Homer: Bart! Knock it off!
Bart: Sorry!
(Three Men and a Comic Book)

Gloria: I'm here because Johnny-boy hasn't been able to cut it man-wise for quite some time. Not that I'd want his odor of gin and sour defeat pressed against me.
John: That's enough, Gloria.
Lovejoy: Thank you, Gloria. John, why don't you tell us a little bit about why you're here.
John: She never cooks. She keeps a filthy house and she talks profanely. She's the queen of the harpies! (talks over Gloria's unentheusiastic protestings) Queen of the harpies!!! Here's your crown, your Majesty!
(The War of the Simpsons)

Narrator: Quoth the raven...
Bart (Raven): Eat my shorts!
(Treehouse of Horror)